Struggling with grief can be a lonely experience. Everyone around you seems to want to help, but they often don’t know how.
Perhaps your friends and family have tried to comfort you, yet they’re confused about what you really need to hear. Even the most well-meaning people can say unhelpful things to someone who is grieving.
Grief is complicated, and people may try to gloss over these deep emotions with mere platitudes. We often throw around these common phrases without really thinking about the impact of our words. Maybe you’ve heard a few of these sayings since losing your loved one.
Here’s why these words can be so hurtful, even from people who want to help.
“It’s Time to Move On”
Someone might tell you, “It’s time to move on,” thinking that you need a little tough love. But this phrase reveals a shallow understanding of what grief and loss really mean. We never truly “move on” from the loss of a loved one.
Yes, you will see brighter days again. There will come a time when their memory makes you smile, despite the pain of their loss. Yet, you will always remember those who have passed and keep these memories close to our hearts.
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
A friend who tells you that “everything happens for a reason” in the wake of a loss may be trying to comfort you. However, when you’re grieving, you’re not necessarily looking for a reason that this loss happened. And the idea that this loss is part of a bigger plan may not be very soothing.
You may not subscribe to the same belief system that the friend telling you this does. After all, you’re missing your loved one and wishing you could see them again, and trying to come up with a “reason” won’t take away the hurt.
“Be Strong”
Perhaps you’ve heard a friend tell you to “be strong” since your loved one’s passing. Maybe they had good intentions, but the truth is that grief can be overpowering.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is surrender to grief and allow yourself to accept every emotion you’re feeling. You need time to simply cry and mourn. Trying to force yourself to act “strong” is misguided. Even the strongest among us cannot avoid grieving. It’s part of the human condition.
“They’re in a Better Place Now”
Even religious and spiritual people may not want to hear that their loved one is “in a better place now” after their passing. When someone tells you this, the next thought running through your mind might be: “But I wish they were here with me!”
Even if your loved one was suffering before they passed away, the thought that their soul might be somewhere peaceful does not make your grief any less real.
“You’re Doing Better Than I Expected”
Maybe a loved one with good intentions told you that you seemed like you’re doing well while dealing with your grief. But you are under no obligation to heal on anyone else’s timeline.
And even if you’ve been keeping a smile on your face, you may still feel broken up inside. And that’s okay. You do not need to rush to feel better. Your loved one may be uncomfortable facing your very real suffering and trying to lift you up, but allowing you to grieve in your own way is important.
—
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Do you feel like your friends and family don’t quite understand what you’re going through? Grief counseling can help. Reach out to me if you would like more information about my therapeutic approach.